*a kobold attempting to disguise himself as the world news crier (although doing a piss poor job) gets on a little wooden box and spreads the good word* 

I BEAR TIDINGS FROM STICKEMS MCGEE ESQUIRE MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY MONDAY THE 72ND 43RD OF HIS NAME SENIOR SENIOR JR who is definitely not me.

YOU HAVE BEEN DECEIVED BY THE EMPIRES LIES, SO I HAVE COME TO REVEAL THE TRUTH! WITH MY RELIABLE SPIES I SHALL ADDRESS THESE LIES AND PROPOGANDA WITH MY OWN! 

1st The emporer of Berphant is actually three KoboLds in a nice coat. LIKE A REALLLLLLLYYY NICE COAT. 

2ND THAT ONE GUY NO ONE LIKES UNLESS YOUR A PSYCHO RODERIC HALL KEEPS CONFUSING HIS GILDED BEDPAN AS A SOUP BOWL! 

3RD THERE IS NO WAR UP IN THAT FROZEN FUCKEN PLACE UP BY MYOLE it's all a conspiracy by pandoRa to sell REMEDIES !

4THLY THE FIRST WITCH LADY IS ACTUALLY REALLY NICE AND REALLY COOL AND KONDA CUTE, AND YOU SHOULD LET HER OFF TIME OUT SO I CAN SHOW HER A GOOD LUNCH AND WE CAN HAVE A NICE WALK ON THE BEACH AT SUNSEt

6TH THE XHURCH OF LIGHT IS NOT MADE ENTIRELY OF stinky poopoo doodoo heads! There's that one paladin who's better seen and not heard who seems pretty neato?

12th THAT ONE PRINCE GUY OF TISSUE...TIFANOO? HES SAFE AND SOUND IN MY IMPENETRABLE FORTRESS OF kOBOlD Keyp. Where he has been instrumental in providing us with rations! Seriously this man can find rocks like you wouldn't believe.

35rd Whatever ELEMENTAL CASTER WHO KEEPS PROTECTING PEOPLE FROM MY KABOOMS IS A PUNK AS BITCH AND YOUR SISTER SAYS HELLO!

π% THE EINHAR THAT LIVE IN MYOYLE ARE SLAPPING EACHOTHER LAVISHLY, in other news kobold eats ROK.

568392ND ALL OF YOUR HEAVENS ARE LESS COOL THAN MINE, MY HEAVEN IS A GIANT KABOOM MADE OF THE GOD KABOOM, WHICH IS ALSO FILLED WITH DRUGS AND CANDY AND CANDY DRUGS.

4TH IXIAD AND the emporer exchange LETTERS REALLY OFTEN, the emporer is really quick off the rebound I GUESS?!

1ST ZSEIRAAAA HAS A REALLY BAD TUMMY ACHE! 

3RD THE WHITERAVEN ALLIANCE SAID I CAN HAVE A SEAT ON THE COINCIL AS THE SOVEIRGN OF KOBold KeyP

889th THE MORTYGUEST SAUS I CAN HAVE ALL HIS COOL STUFF WHEN HE DIES. JE SAID SO AFTER I infiltrated his super cool no koBolDs allowed clubhouse and was so impressed he said so. ALSO HES A CHATTERBOX BUT YOU knew that 

THIS CONTAINS MY REPORT! AS THE GENERAL COMMANDER COMISAR OF THE 4567TH ARTILLERY VANGUARD REAR CAVALRY NAVAL UNIT OF THE ORDER OF THE UNARMED FLYING ROCK BATTALION, DREADPALADIN OF THE GREAT KABOOM. SOVEREIGN EMPOREROR KING OF kOBOld Keyp, the red tide THE CRIMSON DOOM. DEFILER OF BATHROOMS AND STEALER OF GRAVEDIRT. I WISH ALL OF MY UNDERLINGS GOOD NIGHTS! AND TO NEVER TRUST THE BIG EMPIRE NEWS CRIERS!